Surviving Christmas

Many people love christmas. For them, christmas is a time of joy, sharing and good will. I wish them the best and I’m glad they enjoy it. For others, this time of year is hell. Here we will be looking at why people struggle, and some things you can do for surviving christmas.

There are a few common reasons why christmas can be hard on someone. It may be due to family dramas, anniversary trauma, sensory overload or an inability to deal with hypocrisy.

Some of us did not come from nurturing families. We may interact with our families, or have left them behind and moved on. Those who do continue to interact may have families that have grown and got beyond the harms of the past, and yet the memories are still there and the risk of a relapse in the family is highest at these key events. Even when our families are still harmful, we often to these events out of duty, girding our strength for the inevitable eventful conflict.

Various religious symbols

You that you don’t actually have to do this. You don’t have to go. You can go and spend time with people you like, or on your own. Either excuse yourself because you aren’t well enough to go, or just outright say that you aren’t going. If you do chose to go, remember that this is a choice you have made. Ensure that you have a way to leave if becomes toxic. Stay sober, so that you stay in control of making choices. Turn up for a brief amount of time and leave before you are exhausted.

Many of us have painful memories around this time of year. The most common time to break up or die is around here, and there is a confirmation bias towards recalling past drama as worse because it is supposed to be a time of year to celebrate. Be gentle on yourself, give yourself time. Consciously chose some time to schedule in being sad and recalling the past, then schedule in some time to have as fun to celebrate a good future. It is okay to be sad, but you don’t have to live there. If you are struggling with this, work with a good therapist on how to change the narrative and the script. Sometimes medication is helpful.

While the next section is aimed mostly at people who are Autistic, there are other neurotypes who can struggle with sensory and hypocrisy.

This time of year can be sensory hell. Where I live here in Australia, the end of year is very hot, very bright and the shops are very crowded and very loud. Aiming to go to shops early or late, or those which stay open all night can make things easier. You can bring audio aid devices like passive and active noise cancelling headphones, ideally ones that you can play some music to that you control. Polarised glasses can cut down the glare, and sunglasses of various grades can help both outdoor brightness and indoor lights be less awful. It is fine to bring a friend or support worker to go shopping to help you focus on something more local than all of the movement and triggers. They can also run interference for you if you need to deal with shop assistants.

Hypocrisy is a tough one. The social pressure to conform to the story that everyone is happy at this time of year while it is evident fact that many people are miserable; that we are supposed to buy gifts for people who often don’t want or need what we are giving them; that we shouldn’t let anyone suffer because it is christmas, while we effectively ignore their needs for the rest of the year; that our families tell us we must do family things when they may never have done those for us… that can be very hard to navigate.

Our sense of justice can rebel at these inconsistencies, contradictions and outright dissonance. It can be very hard to go along with when you struggle to mislead, lie or omit. Yet the expectation is that we do so.

Some of us find gift giving and gift receiving very hard. Normally this can be avoided, but at birthdays and christmas this is an socially expected norm that is contrary to our nature. If you elect to participate in gift receiving, practice masking in the mirror – a small smile, a bit of lifting of your eyebrows and cheeks as you smile, and say “thank you” in a slightly higher pitched tone than you would normally speak in. Gift giving works better if you can give a one sentence story about why you thought this would be good for them. For gift ideas, ask someone who knows the person for some suggestions if you are struggling to come up with something.

Many people who do not identify as christian do enjoy the traditions of societies that are christian dominant – good for you. For those others, you can find the imposition of christmas expectations quite challenging. Especially when you see campaigns “defending the attack on christmas” or other such nonsense, refusing to acknowledge the dozens of other religious holidays that are celebrated around this time of years. Unfortunately, there isn’t much I can suggest to help you through this.

When you see someone who is not comfortable with christmas, or is struggling for any reason at this time of year, try to be understanding and ask them what they need for support. If you can, make the adjustments. Most importantly, try not to be a jerk about monotheism.