Some people say mean things, and when they get chastised for it, will say it is a joke. But the “mean version” is likely what they meant – they just want to change it into a joke to avoid being in trouble with you.
Schrödinger‘s Douchebag: A person who makes offensive or inflammatory remarks and characterizes these statements as either sincere or joking based on the reactions of others.
Source : Wiktionary [Link]
At a Glance
This references the idea of “Schrödinger’s cat”, where the hypothetical cat exists in two states of existence until you check it, alive and dead. In this case the “douchebag” is trying to keep their remark in a state of sincere or joking until they can determine if you will be offended by it or entertained.
The question you should be asking is – do they mean this because:
- They are ignorant (of the offensiveness/ history)
- They thought they were fitting in
- They are just not a nice person (malice)
Determining why the person is using this tactic can help you determine if this is a Red or Amber Flag.
Another question that is good to ask is – what are you going to do about it? Some good options are:
- Challenge it
- Educate and advocate
- Enjoy the joke with them (if it is a joke and not problematic)
- Avoid them if they won’t or can’t learn
Your choice may depend on your energy levels and safety.
To learn more about these, we have an extensive section for Handling Conflict.
Why they use this Tactic
Ignorance and trying to fit in
The person may not have known that this was offensive, or as offensive as this is. We are assuming that the person is a good person, but made a mistake, perhaps repeating what got a good response in a different group from someone else. Remember the wise words of Hanlon’s Razor: “Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupid”, and here we hope it is ignorance.
If it is ignorance, informing them of why this is offensive, and that you find this not acceptable, should be enough for someone to learn and grow.
If they continue to repeat this behaviour, especially about this topic, then they are just being a douchebag and blaming it on ignorance – which you now know they aren’t ignorant.
We are leaning on the Toxic Person – Mind Toolset here, which spells out how to tell the difference between a mistake and a problem.
Malice / Douchebag aka They just aren’t that nice
If you know the person is not ignorant of why this “joke” is offensive, and that this believe/behaviour isn’t acceptable in this group, then they are falling right into the very point of Schrödinger’s Douchebag.
They do not care that you find it offensive, they don’t care about the reasons why this is not acceptable, they are saying it to get a reaction out of you. It is likely that this person is trying to gain support for their toxic views.
Are you sure you want to be friends with them?
Often people like this rely on you trying to uphold the social script of “be nice” and “avoid making a scene”. If they genuinely made a mistake, then upholding that script is reasonable. We’ve already used the “oops – you made a faux pa, here is why and how to avoid it”, so it is fair to now “make a scene” by using the next reasonable script “We have talked about this and I pointed out that this is not funny or acceptable. I expect you to do better.”
If the person improves, great.
How to Deal with Schrödinger‘s Douchebag
If the person is not ignorant of why this “joke” is offensive rather than funny, the next social script is confronting the behaviour and making the environment uncomfortable for them.
- Look sternly at them for a few moments.
- Do not laugh.
- Clearly state “that is not acceptable” in a neutral but firm tone.
- Wait a few moments to give them a chance to apologise.
- If they say “it was only a joke”:
- Respond with “no, it was not. It is not funny. It is not acceptable. Perhaps we are not the right crowd for you.”
- If they do apologise: eg “sorry, my bad”
- Look sternly at them for about 3 more seconds and then relax and say “okay, please try to keep it in mind a bit more.”
- This reinforces their behaviour of backing off and not making an excuse.
- Keep in mind the traditional “3 strikes and you are out” guideline, which you may adjust a bit if they have a reason to find change a bit harder (but don’t change the number to be too high).
- If they don’t apologise or make the usual “only a joke” excuse:
- State firm “This is not acceptable. Perhaps we are not the right crowd for you.”
- Do not back down from this.
- Do not apologise to them later for being stern. This is the natural consequence that they have brought on themself for being offensive without apology or an effort to change.
- If they say “it was only a joke”: